


“I worshiped the myth I made of you”.

by ThegHostofYourHeaRt



Category: Dare Me (TV 2019), Dare Me - Megan Abbott
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Depictions of Physicality, Drug Use, F/F, Friendship/Love, Love/Hate, Manipulation, Mutual Pining, Vomiting, Women Relationships, exercise as punishment
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:01:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24781231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThegHostofYourHeaRt/pseuds/ThegHostofYourHeaRt
Summary: They are girls dressing as women, they are hungry and desperately want, tearing themselves apart for a taste of life.Love is not that simple even if it actually ever becomes love.Set at the end of the series. I haven't read the bookTitle and chapter names from the poetry of Traci Brimhall
Relationships: Beth Cassidy/Addy Hanlon
Comments: 9
Kudos: 40





	1. “You can’t even trust what you love”.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I m new to the tagging, but if something is triggering or iffy for you please leave a message and I'll correct it.  
> English isn't my first language if something needs correcting please do tell. 
> 
> Hope anyone who reads it finds it entertaining. Thank you for reading.

_“You can’t even trust what you love”._

The air is chilly this close to the abyss, it seems to breathe, alive and waiting under all of them, such deep darkness that becomes nothingness and she is just a step away from that eternal nothingness.

Lulled by the sway of the breeze she closes her eyes trying to rid herself of the constant heaviness that follows her around, and the tiredness that is rooted to her bones, she inhales deep the smell of earth and the harshness of the wind, just one step, one step to freedom. She imagines the fall, the harshness of the wind the dissolution of her body, and she feels giddy.

“What are you doing?” Riri’s voice broke into her head waking her of her daze.

“Nothing” she said turning to her smiling sweetly. But Riri doesn't smile back, not more than she already is.

“Come on Beth, we came here to party, not to bitch and sulk” says Riri smiling wider, and with challenge in her eyes that only makes Beth laughs.

“Shut it babe, it's unbecoming, your useless chatter. Let's get fucked up” Beth goes to her throwing an arm around her neck at the same time Riri brings an arm around her waist.

“You are the only one without a drink, stupid” Riri speaks into her ear against the base of the music.

And it swells within her body, the rhythm of the music while they are welcomed by the laughter and screams of the girls, most already fucked up. there is so much joy in this decadence, a kind of energy that pulses in her body and revitalize her being, she lets herself be consumed by the music, in the dancing. she becomes only her body and her body part of each of the girls she is with, as much as they are of her, she smiles and smacks her feet against the soil, and she laughs with them hollow and meaningless.

Her body is pressed against Riri, sluggish and tired, but they sway with the music still, now quieter.

“You should talk to her, you know. She is your girl” Riri says softly trailing her hand into Beth’s hair. she is soft in her detached way, lovely and familiar.

“I don't think she wants to be or is” says Beth leaning back and smiling, wide and sharp. A contrast to the way her insides churn painfully at the thought of Addy.

But Riri just tilts her head and makes her smile softer, she sees through her spikes and sharpness. “Maybe, but she’s still your fucking princess”.

And her words feel like a blow, the air escapes her lunges at the reminder of that. Both so little, so loving. It feels like too much so she wrenches herself away from Riri. Anger igniting her being she hunches into herself. And she remembers.

They are seven, in second grade, in the playground of the school Addy is up the slide and Beth is looking at her to that open smile she appointed herself to protect, to her bright eyes, jumping excitedly, she had chosen to be the princess and Beth hadn't wasted time to name herself her prince only for Addy to smile wider and her bright eyes pleased and content were locked into Beth's as if that's what she had wanted all along, no matter Peter B or Anthony G. It was her, Addy had wanted. And even if she hadn't known what that feeling was then. Now, today, it was a fucking course, so she laughs.

Such an ugly sound Riri takes a step back.

“She is no princess!” she roars and stops herself inhaling sharply, leaning back “And I’m no fucking prince” she forces through gritted teeth.

Addy’s words echo through her head, as the last peace that was hers vanishes from her reach, leaving her only with empty spaces that feel hot with her anger and disillusion.

“Beth…” there's sadness in Riris eyes. Pity.

In response Beth stands straighter, her shoulders back and her head held high, she has no use for pity, she doesn't want it, she despises it.

“Who wants to go for a ride” she calls for the girls, and as expected, they fall in line, pushing against each other to Beth’s attention, for a chance to keep going.

They pile up onto her jeep, too many bodies on top of each other, hot and sweaty, passing the cheap vodka and singing as loud as they can. Beth stands shocked by the harsh wind against her hot body she laughs delighted, she feels the harsh sway of the vehicle forcing her body back and forth the dig against her flesh that surely will bruise. Making the street lights pretty, a dream, a beautiful dream of darkness and lights that sway in front of her at the same time dancing as her body pulses with the music and the rawness of her girls and she screams and laughs and hits the top of the jeep calling for more speed until Riri complies.

She hears the girls hit the doors of the jeep with their hands, scream their chants of liberty as they are the owners of the night, so powerful so free.

Beth pushes against the heavy door of the gas station bathroom and hurries to a stall, she pushes the lid up no matter how nasty it looks, she is too far gone and then throws up. it burns all the way, unpleasant as her muscles clench in the effort to rid herself of the poison, she coughs and heaves again, vomiting once more, the smell too rotten she heaves until there is nothing else, shaking she stands up again, aware she is holding the fucking bottle of vodka, she wobbles and giggles to herself, empty in the head she feels nice.

She stops abruptly when she is confronted by herself in the reflection of the mirror. She looks ugly, her eyeshadow and mascara smeared down her face, her eyes bloodshot and lost, her smile looks lopsided and she feels stupid. the anger licks against the top of her stomach as she comes closer to the mirror and everything comes back, like an avalanche she watches her face distort with the weight of the sequence of her life, how it has chipped at her person until there is not much to show beyond the carcass that her body feels. Why is she surprised tho? It was the first real thing she learned.

The first lesson Love, as anything else was just currency to stay in favor of someone she learned that love, love was never unconditional, that love could be taken away so easily by some words, the wrong opinion or action. it rarely was without price without consequence

She thinks of the disdain in Addy’s eyes, the indifference in her mom, the fake love Bert offers and she is done, she is fucking Done.

The bottle shatters against the mirror, she feels the sting in her cheek and her neck, and then she gets out of there.

They are laughing again, and she feels like a ghost.

they end up scattered in Riri’s living room, Some of the girls fast asleep snoring away their alcohol, sprawled and content, she is in the floor on her side her stomach is burning, her muscles ache and sleep isn't near, she feels weak in a way she is not sure is her head or her body, and she shakes while tears roll out of her eyes until she flinches with surprise at the feeling of warmth. She holds her breath and clenches her eyes shut more tightly.

“It’s alright Beth” Riri whispers bumping her head against Beth’s back covering her more with the blanket and then turning so they are back to back.

Addy Avoids her mom, she waits for the lights of her room to be off before going inside, she feels shaky, Beth’s warning is on a loop on her head but she can’t be sure, even with everything pointing to the other side it feels devastating to think that everything she shared with Coach was a lie, or the culmination was this, she can’t, she can’t, it feels like too much, it takes so much away from her, of what she was sure of.

She crawls onto her bed, she needs to think, to set things straight for herself because after tonight everything changes. She hugs herself, and wonders Where should she start?

Her innocence, she needs her innocence.

However she can get it, prove it. And to swallow feels difficult and to breath doesn't feel enough, because, even when she can accept it, she feels the fear inside of her heart of not having enough.

Addy clenches her eyes tears falling down her cheeks, she pushes her face against her pillow to let a sob go. She’ll need her strength in the morning, but now she’ll allow herself this, to think of the risk she might be in, and how much it costed her.

It's a restless sleep, like every night since that night, and for the first time, she feels the burning of resentment towards Coach for that damned call, for making her go up the stairs to his apartment, for what? more than ever she needs answers, she needs a way out. For better or worse.

She is awake before the sun goes up, she feels uncomfortably hungry, her body is sore and her eyes are puffy, but she can’t risk her mom waking up by her going into the kitchen, besides she feels nauseous and there is a constant thump in her head that is the prelude of a massive headache.

She breathes deeply, forcing herself to calm down, she clenches her fists and lets the heat of anger course through her pushing herself up.

She is out of her house as fast as she can, pushing the acceleration of her car so she is out of her neighborhood as fast as she can.

The town is empty, and ugly at this time of the day, there is no movement like in bigger cities where everyone is more alive, in motion. But at least she has the consolation of the sky, to watch it change from blue to purple to the bright orange of down.

She buys a yogurt from the convenience store, as it seems the only thing she can stomach right now, and sips it slowly, the headache is now a fact and the same consuming fear of last nights comes to the forefront of her mind. What should she do? she walks around her car and thinks of everything that happens, of all the times she covered for her and ended in nothing because she has no proof, only the messages, cryptic as they were, and the call history.

And the bag, the bag in her closet, her fucking cheer shoes that stepped into Will’s blood  
God. Addy shakes her head and leans against the side of the car, the sky is lighter already and she will have to go to school, and with it, she’ll have to see not only Coach but also Beth.

And she is angrier than she thought herself possible to be. Overwhelmed and heartbroken she feels cornered, her body and mind buzzing with this unbearable push of survival. She feels violent, her body responding to the danger.

She parks her car as far away from the gym as possible, the parking lot empty with how early she is still she rests her head against the seat. They won’t bring her down, none of them, she can get over this as much as she has any other thing life has thrown at her.

She wakes up by a knock on the window, her neck protest the sudden motion and she can see now the brightness of the day harsh and unpleasant it feels like pins and needles from her eyes to her brain, and the pang of hunger is back, she can't really pinpoint the last complete meal she had, beyond the minimum to stay alert. She goes and it's already late but at least she won't encounter Beth first thing.

She doesn't see them. Beth isn't in calc and Riri is missing from lit. It makes her uncomfortable. Because Beth wasn't like that, she could skip, but not after an argument, after an argument she always was there, near and playing with provocations and her frustrations, always pushing until the breaking point. Until submission.

She sees them until practice.

“Hanlon you are late!” Coach calls, her voice the same as always, clean and impeccable.

They look haggard, pale and sickly, and she remembers Lanvers and wonders.

“I'm sorry” she says with caution barely able to look at Coach and goes to the opposite corner to stretch, she sees Beth in the middle beside Riri, and Riri smiles at her when their eyes meet, she looks tired but content, her smile is sweet and lovely, just Riri and it's impossible for her not to smile back, other girls to smile at her or wink, no matter their look, there is an ease within them.

Beth is the only one not to turn and she rolls her eyes sure is another of her games, stupid games she has no time to take part in when she can feel Coach eyes upon her.

“Addy! you’ll direct the warm-up” she tenses, Coach’s voice changes, it is softer warmer, and when she looks up at her, her eyes are bright full of pride.

There is a murmur, the girls look at one another.

“Umm…”

“Come on! you’ve been working hard, this is a reward, an example for everyone. If you work hard, you get strong. You rise” she walks to Addy and extends her hand prompting her to stand up.

She pulls her up, with strength that seems opposite to the delicate and elegance of her way, her body flies upwards until her feet smack against the mat.

Coach doesn’t let go of her hand, her grip is warm, her grip is solid, safe. And her heart squeezes itself, it threatens to collapse within her chest, she is suddenly filled with all this longing, all this want, she lets herself sway in the strong presence of Coach, just for a moment, letting herself be guided by the force that is Coach.

“Isn't she strong?” Coach asks the girls.

Addy blinks back to reality at her words, and she looks at her. Coach keeps her grip firm but her eyes are looking at each one of them.  
The girls look at each other, confused, she sees some of them frown, and there is something weird in the atmosphere.

“All the hard work she has put, not only in her body but on the squad” Coach continues. She moves behind her, her hands on her shoulders “This kind of compromise, the discipline, such a beautiful and precious thing. It deserves to be acknowledged. So she will lead you”

Coach pushes her in front of them putting her on display, Addy sees them shifting, looking at one another.

And for the first time, she feels an invisible screen in front of the girls and herself.

“Is that understood?” Coach asks, strong and with no desire to listen to them. “Any of you can get to this spot, you have to if we are thinking of going to States. Addy is here today, but anyone of you could be here tomorrow”

And she goes, she tells them a flimsy excuse and goes to her office, and the girls are waiting, as a wall all of them in a unit looking at Addy expectantly, and she looks at Beth without thinking, just as an impulse like always, but Beth isn't looking back.

She is looking to the side with an utter lack of interest.

“Let's run!, I don't want you panting at sectionals with hanging asses” She roars and feels her cheeks burn. Its Beth’s fault, with her stupid games she let her guard down. “Come on, start!” she calls again. And her voice is harsh full of angry shame that burns in her throat.

Slowly they start moving.

She pushes herself, she still has to win States, and in turn, she pushes them, Cori runs to the bathroom twice and most of them stop too often no matter her indications or if she is pushing them, even Beth stops, she doesn't linger, Addy never reaches her.

Their muscles are burning when Coach comes back, sweat drips down her forehead to her eyes, down her face. Her heart booms in her ears and her lunges burn with the effort, she isn't the only one, nor the worse out of them. The gym is heavy with the scent of their sweat and the heat of their body, the heat that presses against them

“It seems you all are ready, Good job Hanlon” Coach smiles at her, giving her a nod of approval, and she can't avoid the smile that brings to her face, the giddy feeling of accomplishment.

“Let's practice the stunts, I want to see you fly Cassidy, we’ll have to integrate a better cadence of movements if we want a chance at Nationals” Coach says unaware of the girls shifting turning around to grab her binder.

“No” Beth says, her voice hard and resolute, with her usual confidence that makes everyone around her stop.

Addy hates how she looks. Her body looks tight, her back straight her shoulders back, chin held high and her eyes, locked to Coach. But there is no fire in them, blue and brilliant they seem empty. And it makes her stomach churn because she knows what this is. Beth isn't giving Coach the time of the day, she seems to look past her, as if she wasn't really there.

Like always. Throwing away their hard work.

Coach laughs, and the sound is cold, hard echoing in the expanse of the gym. Addy tenses because she can feel the threat underneath, and the girls react too, shifting in their place.

“Look, Beth” She draws her name, in a way that sounds how Addy utters it. “We don't have time for… whatever this is. States are around the corner and this squad is going to nationals, so you'll get up there, want it or not”

“No” Beth repeats, her voice unchanging. And Addy wants to scream, of all the things she can punish her with, of course, cheer was the one. “They are in no condition to lift me up” Beth points to Emily, Brianna and Cori, there is no venom on her voice, she is just pointing a fact. “Of course you can’t see that when you are so busy doing whatever is not your job. But what can we expect?, you don't exactly hold a good record when it comes to injuries” everyone stills there are some gasps and she can see Riri’s shock how the air leaves her body, her eyes wide she looks to Beth.

“Beth!” Addy chastises her out of habit, always the one in charge of the sharp precision of Beth’s destruction.

But Beth just clenches her jaw looks to the floor and up again. “So I will take care of myself, and them, if they want” She turns around looking straight at Riri. Riri looks so startled Beth reaches for her hand and both go for their bags, followed instantly by Cori who’s still pale and shaky, and then Brianna.

Addy looks back at Coach and she has this constraint expression, anger and surprise. Addy wonders why? What is the impossibility for her, that when it comes to Beth there is less and less resistance on her part, she doesn't yell at her, she doesn't punish her.

Like always Beth becomes bigger, heavier, and all encompassing. Another betrayal.

So she leaves too, disappointed and betrayed, uncomfortable.

“Addy” calls Coach with the renewed authority and a side of a plea. And it makes her stop, until she forces herself to take another step, and then another.

Addy has nothing to say or do with Coach, she has no desire to keep on giving herself to anyone.

When Addy arrives home, she feels antsy, uncomfortable, the irritation of the day, the emptiness of it gnaws at her being, she feels it in the constriction of her chest in the tension of her jaw. She is so preoccupied with herself she fails to notice her mom, in the kitchen, and when she does look up she feels all the heat inside herself run cold at the sight of heartbreak in her eyes.

“Mom?”.


	2. “I sing of a sheep and the wolf at its throat”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your kudos and comments.
> 
> If you need anything tagged, please send a message and it'll be done.
> 
> So, I'll need you to play pretend with me for the bag situation I rewatched the episode to late :/.
> 
> Hope everyone is well and that you find this entertaining at the very least.

"I sing of a sheep and the wolf at its throat”.

The night is crisp, there are no clouds in the sky, and the air feels dense with cold. Her lunges burns, sweat falls to her eyes it loses itself with the tears that fall to her cheeks, snot runs down her nose and the salty taste of it permeates in her mouth and her legs burn, there is only the smack of her sneakers against the asphalt and the thundering of her heart as the sounds that carry her desperation, but she keeps pushing her body, she is nearing the street, she can go right to the known to what was once familiar, but she turns left and turns again, goes from behind, she jumps the fence and lands on the grass.

She slumps against the wood planes hidden in the shadows, sucking air as much as she can after the long run. She looks at the house, at the lights on in the kitchen, to the looming shadow in the master room, she gasps turning back to the sky. She grasps at her chest trying to calm her heart and falls down until she is seated on the wet grass, no matter the water and the mud sticking to her pants. And begins to wait.

She was so stupid, sloppy in ways she has never been, and now when it counts! when she needs all her sharpness and supposed intellect she is left bare...

“You said you lost your cheer shoes, and you don't have time, everything so fast you can't dignify yourself to say anything to me like I'm not even here. You just run” Faith’s voice is heavy, grave in a way that spells doom laced with the heavy sadness she remembers from her childhood. Addy can feel the change because she can see it in her eyes, the disappointment.

Such a new expression in her mother, she panics, because she can’t, not after everything, she wishes with all her being for this to not be true.

Addy shakes her head. “Mom I don't know, I don't know what are you talking about” she swallows hard. “I did lose…

“Don't you dare Adelaide!” her mom cuts her off, her features hardening, sadness leaving her face transforming into anger. “I'm not some stupid girl you can manipulate, I'm your mother! and I'm getting sick of these little games you are playing”.

Addy steps back her body tensing.

“All this laying and disappearing, all your secrets” she turns going to the dining room, Addy following her mother. “For what?” she asks letting the white plastic bag fall on the table, her shoe peaking through it.

Her body is paralyzed, looking at the shape of the ashtray pulling the plastic of the bag, the faint color of the comb, and her other shoe. It downs on her than the danger even above all the trouble she is with her mom, what this bag is, her last and maybe only chance at getting out of this mess is there, in the open, with the chance of it being ruined. And for what, for what!.

Her ears ring, the light changes around her, the shadows sharpen, and heat blooms from the bottom of her stomach.

“So you go around checking my stuff?” she roars looking up at her mom. What the fuck, what the actual fuck is wrong with her. “You talk as if you were above this, but you are clearly not! What are you doing in my room! All this stupid talk about trust and truth is just bullshit!”

“Adelaide!”

“No!” she takes the bag, shaking all over. “You don't care, you just want to control everything I do because you are afraid,” she says, enjoying the moment Faith’s face fall. “You are afraid I'm going to leave, and like dad I won’t be back. And you are right. I don't want to be here any longer than I have to I am sick of having you all over my shoulder, I can't even take a step before you ask where, I can't even breath like a normal human being without having you checking, all you do is press and press. What do you want?”.

It feels good, to bite at her to finally let it go. she is ready to keep fighting, fueled by this bizarre exhilaration and the unbearable heat of her anger that makes her dizzy.

But there is no fight in her mother, her face becomes unperturbed, her chin is held high, using all of her height, and her complexity she looks immense. “Who are you? I look at you and I can't even recognize you” her voice is low, her words expand, and the weight of them slowly sinks over Addy’s shoulders. “I don't want anything from you Adelaide, and clearly you don't want or need anything from me. There is food in the fridge” she says picking up the keys of her car.

“Where are you going?” her voice cracks.

“I don't think that is any of your business” Faith doesn't turn around, she’s just out of the door and gone.

Leaving Addy stuck in the dining room, cold and shaking. Regret and the solid weight of fear crawling over her back, and full of dread.

\+ I’m outside your house. If you don't come out I'll knock until you have no choice.

She still does, standing in the back porch she knocks gently against the glass as Coach comes fast to her. Her steps measured as if she was floating but with hurry, the light of her phone illuminating her face a grimace of shock and annoyance.

“What are you doing here?” Coach hisses pushing her away from her house closer to the stairs. “Are you insane? My family is in there, can you even imagine how this looks like?” she goads, anxiety lacing her words, while she throws looks back at her house.

“My mom found the bag” she cuts Coach barely hearing any of her complaints to worried too lost.

Coach stops she goes still, she closes her eyes and inhales. Slowly her face scrunches her brow furrows and the corners of her lips go down. There is nothing of the beautiful woman Coach is. She opens her eyes wide and sharp, her sclera bright and the sharp shadows of night contrasting with the soft artificial light from the patio makes her something horrible, something wild.

“What?” she spits the words. Her jaw is clenched and the muscles in there twitch as if she was chewing. “What?” she repeats.

Addy feels the dig of the baranda on her lower back. Her body tensing, panic rising. “Sh… she went through my things, she found it in my closet” She leans back against the threat Coach feels like and her voice wobbles under her harsh scrutiny.

She doesn't like the incredulity in Coach's face, how she seems to go inside herself for a moment, her lips moving but without any sound.

“You put it in your closet?” she asks her voice low, monotone, she kind of smiles, but it isn't a smile, she quickly realizes its the beginnings of a snarl, because Coach’s body transforms, her ribcage expands, with each breath, her shoulders lock and the tension in her body makes her ready to pounce, to attack. “How could you possibly be so stupid, Addy?” She then is a flurr of motion pacing in front of her. three steps one way, three steps the other. “How in fucking god you got to the conclusion that hiding it in your closet was the way to go?” She stops in front of her. “Your mom is a fucking cop!”.

“I-I-I… I didn't know what to do. I didn't know she would find it!” Addy pushes back, panic constricting her ribcage she makes herself small.

“I thought you were smarter. Do you enjoy disappointing me, Addy?”

What? She shakes her head, feels the sting of tears, the wetness that begins to gather. “No!, but what was I supposed to do with the bag?”

“Anything! throw it away, leave it in the woods, hide it with Riri, or even Beth” She throws her hands up. “I'm not going down like this. You had so many possibilities” she looks back at Addy. Anger clear in her face.

“Are you serious?” she asks for the first time her voice hardening, the shock of Coach’s supposition, of bringing Beth to the table waking her up. “Beth, really?” it inflames her, the way she is so cavalier about her.

“She is your friend” she hisses. “Both of them are, and you didn't think they could be useful. What is the point of all the stupid circus you play around if you cant use them!”

“What are you…”

“She follows you around! hangs to your every word but you couldn't even think of using it!” Her tone is incredulous, she can’t believe Addy’s blindness. “And now your mom knows!”

“She doesn’t know anything” That grabs Coach's attention. Her wide eyes focus on her, her body freezes mid-step. “I have the bag, She just knows of her existence” she leaves out the matters of the confrontation even when she wants to tell Coach.

“You, you have the bag?” she asks and her voice changes, it becomes soft, it shakes as her body slumps and she blinks back tears that were never there. She is the picture of relief. “Of course Addy, I shouldn’t have doubted you” she gets close, she looks at her with such tender pride Addy feels her throat constrict. “Forgive me?” she asks quietly cupping her cheek.

Tears begin to fall down her cheeks, her chest breaks open and a sob pushes past her lips, her body has surrendered, she crumbles under the pressure.

“No no no, Addy. Shhh it's okay, you need to calm down” Her face is in between Coach’s hands slumped against her, she can barely hear her with the pressure in her head, the way her body trembles just a bit to crumble entirely. Coach pushes her against the baranda and encircles her in her arms. “ Addy listen to me. If we stick together everything will sort itself out, I'm not going to let anything happen to you, okay?” Such loveliness, such safety she clings to her, she buries her face against her neck “You just have to give me the bag” She says stepping back her hands going to her face again. “Just bring the bag, I’ll take care of it” she repeats looking into Addy’s eyes making emphasis on her order. She feels her thumbs run against her cheek, her breath against her damp skin.

“Addy!” Coach calls again. She blinks at her, she runs her eyes through her face. “Are you listening to me?” Coach demands pulling back. Cold flows into the space between them.

“Why?” Addy’s voice is small. It doesn't feel right.

Coach frowns. “Its for our well being. You get that right?”

“Yes”.

The bag, the stupid bag. She has to hide it.

Her cheek stings against the coarse texture of the rug, but she can’t bother herself to move, her body is heavy after so much without sleep, even after long runs and the fucking extra training she’s been doing to keep herself on top. Addy always thought it was just talent because she likes pretty stories like that, so consumed by brilliance by something special, by being something special without even looking, actually looking. She curls herself in a ball, her body aches at the movement, the muscles on her abdomen are the worst. A plethora of exercises on youtube for her to torture herself to besides her usual routine.

Her phone dings and she reaches for it instantly, her heart jumps and the breath catches in her throat. How pathetic she feels.

Its Riri, she is bored.

Beth pushes her forehead against the rug and laughs, she throws the phone away from her and she wants to tear the flesh off of her cheeks she wants to tear her hair out, and laughs some more, she feels herself claw at her stomach trying to get rid of the uncomfortable weight of the expectations of desire and heartbreak.

She is going to die!

She pushes up with a scream that bounces off the walls of the basement to her body. Will she keep being the bitch of everyone? Her dad? Addy’s?

Will she keep waiting? Like a doll in the frozen depths of a pond?

“Hello darling, you said you are bored?” she asks on the phone. Her voice a melody of mischief.

She is nearly out of the house when she catches sight of her mom spread over the couch.

“Have you eaten anything today?” she asks quietly kneeling in front of the couch. Her mom looks at her with droopy eyes and a lopsided smile.

“Oh Bethy, Mr. johnny and Mr. Pinot have been my company today. Such wonderful friends!” she laughs before she becomes distracted by Beth. “Don't make that face, darling” she says pouting while her fingers press against Beth's lips pressed together in a line.

Beth moves her face away and can taste salt in her lips. “I'm going to order you something, okay?”

“Italian! I want pasta” Lana throws her arms and legs in exclamation and then she stretches, pulling her arms back she sighs contently.

“Okay” she takes her mom's hand bringing back her attention. “Just remember to answer the door” she asks squeezing her hand.

Lana looks at her for a moment, a soft smile warming her face. “I won’t forget”.

Beth nods, her smile is tight unable to trust her entirely. She squeezes her hand again and with the other hand, she caresses her forehead before disentangling herself.

“Remember to answer the door” she says as parting words.

The night is crisp, she likes the cold against her face. Se places the order while looking at the shadows moving in the house in front of her. She looks at the sky, to the blue expanse before she smiles.

“Where are we going?” she asks Riri taking a drag of the spliff. The rumbling of the car a lullaby to her tired body.

“We are going to listen to music, I feel like singing today” she responds taking the cigarette from Beth’s fingers.

Beth rolls her eyes knowing where they were going. All cities have them, at least one group of washed ups living through their impossible dreams of music. She looks outside the windows always enchanted by the lights against the night, she feels the air brake against her fingers she lets her hand move floating by the resistance of the air.

Her body aches, she loves the pull of her muscles every time she breathes, in and out it expands and contracts the scent of sweat and weed heavy in the air, she lets herself submerge in Riri’s voice, powerful and beautiful filling the room, her head lolls to the side and she loses herself in the way she jumps, the way she moves her body sensuous and careless, how she shakes her head in exhilaration clinging to him as they nearly scream the lyrics. She looks so happy, so free.

Her eyes fill with tears and she looks up at the ceiling watching the shadows play.

The sofa dips and her body follows the movement. “Hey Beth, whe-where is Addy?” Jordy asks running his hands over his pants. Beth wants to scream.

“I don't know Jordy, maybe you can text her, you know?” she says so sweetly, her smile wide that is so fake he makes himself smaller.

“Sh-she hasn't answered any I've sent” He looks crestfallen, sad in the obvious rejection. How come? she has more in common with him now. She stands up barely able to contain her laughter, the same ugly sound that hides her away.

And to look at him feels like looking at a mirror. What are you doing Addy? she asks as she leans back the car and looks at the fucking sky to stop the stubborn tears that threaten to fall.

She breaths in as hard as she can to try to fill the spaces within her that seem to empty more and more. She gets the smell of smoke and the sharpness of cold fills her lunges with the heavy air of autumn and focuses all her strength in containing her plea.


End file.
